2002-01-04 || 12:23 p.m.

|| stale new years. minus champagne plus spreadsheets. ||

today i have a very goofy hair do and am wearing the new year's eve blouse. i didn't realize it until i got to work but it smells like new years (in a backyard with the golden gate bridge looming ominously atop the back fence, rolf asks, 'and what does this year have in store for jennifer hand?' and i say, 'i'm going to have a baby!'* and waves of champagne roll out from the plastic glass down the front of me as i topple over a cement block. everyone gets quiet and kicks at wet grass and i change the subject, quick.). i fall victim to special dates, i do. new years day and i feel different. today i am exactly 25.5 and for some reason i think this means something. i filled up the last page of my paper journal today and cracking open a new one, filling the first page with sentences explaining where i am right now, what needs to happen; that will feel somehow official too, a sign that this is me starting over.

i like making things official. i like having things spelled out and indelible. i like the idea of a fresh start, don't look back, but i am so steeped in sentimentality that it is all rather futile, really.

i wrote down twenty-six resolutions i know i won't keep. i wrote down reasons to get on with things, what i am good at, what i like about myself, what i need to get done. perhaps this weekend i will make charts and graphs and formulas to make sense of everything, of the year spread out before me, because math doesn't lie. it is cold and logical and utterly dependable and satisfies my dire need to boil everything down to fantastic equations.

*i hope you didn't think this to mean i am preggers. i am not (at least. i don't think. hem.). i just secretly. well. i'm incorrigible. every time i watch rosemary's baby (minus the devil baby part. just mia farrow in those maternity clothes walkin down the street in those very twee shoes.. oh that's bad. wanting babies for the sake of oscar de la renta mummy clothes. that's not it, i assure you. well. a very very wee part. but it's mostly me. the mothering thing that is coursing through the veins, tick tock tick tock, i've had baby fever going on 13 years now. but. em. you know. ha ha. funny, isn't it? yep. funny. hmm. ha. babies. hm.)

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