2002-05-22 || 4:16 p.m.

|| katherinhand heartbreak headquarters pays a visit to an unwitting test subject. ||

we here at the katherinhand heartbreak headquarters are excited about our new approach to, well, heartbreak. we have decided to scrap the h.b. techniques of the past (writing feelings out. going over the course of the relationship to point out weak spots, fault lines, abysmal cavities, possible other girls. talking about it a lot. letting the sis, the mum, the ex-boy from way back-cum-best friendy present exhibits of lameness on the boy's part.) for the latest in romantic recovery technology.

h.b. headquarters: i am sitting here with our test subject, miss jenny hand. jenny, i must say you don't look too good. how are you feeling?

jenny: well. not so good. i kind of want to go home and cry for a bit. and. i'm having a very bad hair day. i think i will go home and cut at it tonight. and. yeah. i thought this sweater was a good idea.

hbh: and you should have worn a belt with those pants. now, how are you taking this break-up differently from the last?

j: well. i must say, although it is a surprise, it isn't quite as shocking as the last time. i mean. some part of me knew it was coming at some point.

hbh: could you describe your feelings for us?

j: okay. sad. hurt. thoroughly grossed out by the thought of going out with other boys.

hbh: are you saying that if you could, you would go back to the perpetrator of this, your heart break?

j: no. no, i don't think i would. this time it seems clear we are just not right. and i am in a spot where i can see that he is fabulous and i am fabulous, it is just that we are too different? and i think too much has been said, perhaps. my mummy says there must be something wrong with him.

hbh: your mum says that about everybody.

j: yes.

hbh: and what are you doing to get yourself through this period, in accordance with the latest in our break up technology of course?

j: well. i haven't written about it very much. i haven't really cried about it, except for a couple of times on the hbh-sanctioned sad day. i am following the rule of 'do not think about it so that it will not effect you.'

hbh: and how is that working out? preliminary tests are very encouraging.

j: i am finding that the crying is coming out whether i want it to or not. have you ever cried over not having any clean underwear?

hbh: we here at the hbh do not wear underwear.

j: how about being late for the bus and having to drive in, where you will have to pay twenty dollars to get out of the garage?

hbh: certainly, but only as a matter of principle.

j: i am crying/wanting to cry over everything. and. i fear the fate of my hair this evening once i am through with it.

hbh: would this be considered impulsive behavior?

j: i guess so. and i am having funny thoughts about tattoos. and quitting my job. and throwing everything in my apartment away. and wearing nothing but elizabeth taylor dresses and silk stockings.

hbh: you are wanting to reinvent yourself. start over.

j: looks like it.

hbh: and what of moving on? your mum faxed us a list of prospective boys for you.

j: like i said, it does not sound very appealing at the moment. sometimes i get excited because i can focus more energy on my crushes, but. there is just so much at stake. it is so scary. i hate it.

hbh: well, thank you, miss hand, for your time. we have recorded some interesting data that will further our research of the vast unknown of romantic pain and upset. here are some complimentary condoms and breath freshener to send you on your way.

please don't make chocolate chip cookies for dinner again. and don't wear that top anymore. and maybe something you could learn from all this is it is time to invest in a real live hair cut from a real live salon. a well put-together appearance is integral in matters of love and boy retention.

j: okay. thanks.

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