2002-05-29 || 5:13 p.m.

|| a bit of an embarrassing pep talk in the office restroom. ||

these kinds of realizations always show themselves in public bathrooms. always in the context of cold geometric tile and metal fixtures. wadded paper towel, puddle of water, scratched mirror, and internal violin music signifying the sads. and i am sitting in this metal stall and i am trying to figure it out. i breathe three times. against the back of the door i pretend to map out the possible causes.

1. little things all heaped together all of the sudden. broke car. expensive car bill. teeth woes. eye woes. moving stress. keeping track of bills and letters and presents. and dates and.

2. having my heart hurt. breaking habits like having the phone at arm's length. expecting him on the answering machine when i get home. and wanting so very much to call him. and coming up with brilliant lines of undeniable cuteness so that he cannot resist my storming his apartment door. and i don't want to get back together. i just want that feeling. the all wrapped up in someone feeling. where you can close your eyes for two hours straight and feel feeling. sigh. and worrying about the fate of me and the boys. not really wanting to think about it.

3. summer is coming. and summer is so hit or miss. love hate love hate.

4. mm. the heavenly flux of hormones and brain chemicals, boiling everything down to sweet impersonal biology. which passes. at some point.

but. you're supposed to be kind of off sometimes. and you just write it out and see it's not that bad. and eat lots of ice cream and stay out kind of late and it gets back to normal, it does.

and this summer is going to spectacular. it is.

and you will like boys again. you will.

and these things all tend to work themselves out. and you can always wear the black-rimmed glasses if you're in a pinch.

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