2002-09-11 || 3:24 p.m.

|| and the first day of school used to be so good! ||

(i have a writing class tonight. it is the first writing class i have taken in four years.)

(i can already feel it seeping back into my system from some secret neurological hiding spot. jenny hand, circa 1997: very shy and terribly nervous and blushing profusely at the raising of her hand, at the clearing of her throat to speak.)

(perhaps there is something to be said for quietly calling it all off and staying home to eat cake for dinner with sissy and the roommates.)

(and i thought i had gotten so tough. i thought i had conquered the shrinkingviolet tendencies and complete lack of self confidence/social skills.)

(oh.)

(and you just know we are going to have to go around the room and Introduce Ourselves. and i won't know where to look and i will feel my face get hot and i will stammer and worry what if there is an assignment? what if all the words fly away?)

(totally gonna get diarrhea.)

(and. what if i find i am no good and my little writing trump card is no longer securely tucked away in my back pocket? what if it was never a trump card at all? what if it's just a fecking coupon for white castle frozen hamburgers and you know how i hate white castle hamburgers?)

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