2003-01-02 || 8:55 p.m.

|| saving all that money and inhale-exhale but is it worth it, is it? ||

we are listening to the buzzcocks. word has it the manager at the movie theater down the street was in the buzzcocks. not original line up or anything, but exciting enough for you to call the landmark theaters movie line and say wow! whilst listening to that voice wax sass and showtimes.

i am in a new year hole. i am nicotine deprived. but not really. because i have snuck a few cigarettes today. and although it feels very badd school girl-like, it's not all that exciting or gratifying or justifying really.

i just have a very hard time giving things up.

regardless of what it is.

so i am getting sentimental about cigarettes.

remember sitting on the back porch of a victorian flat off haight street with breath white against painted paneling? and remember smoking in diners in the pacific northwest over pancakes and hash browns? and remember all those cigarettes in the van matilda with o and highway stretched out dark and straight for miles and miles? and all the trips up and down and up and down california, thinking very hard? remember cigarette smoke blown out bedroom windows late at night in lovely billowy secret? and smoking at the beach with m, and in the truck, and in the lime green room where my lungs first felt that crackly cottony ugh. wonderfulness.

oh.

there's a half-smoked emergency american spirit hiding on the front porch.

i am very bad at these things. i need to find a new vice.

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