2003-04-29 || 5:41 p.m.

|| episode 26 ||

i forgot to tell you that on saturday i was sitting in the patio section of a fancy bar with three of the boys, conspiring against the one jittery about singing that night. i divulged the bit about the longest game of spin the bottle and how said jittery one kissed you, or at least i think he did. and i remembered that night and everyone all frilly and faintly alcoholic and the way we all timidly kissed each other even though we had been kissing each other for years.

it's strange getting old. this one has a wedding band and this one has those crinkles around his eyes and those two are slowly losing their hair. i wonder what it is about me that is changing because i feel exactly the same. besides all the scar tissue built around me, i feel exactly the same.

the jittery boy and his band went on and the wedding banded one and i sat to the side and eavesdropped on a conversation taking place next to us which was centered around o. or rather o's band. and it's so strange to be a fly on a wall like that, with people discussing your friends in a way that is so foreign and far removed from what you know- breakfasts on sundays and scrabble and haircuts and all that laughing and secrets.

i feel at times that this episode of my life is just a nice movie to be remembered later, all the late mornings and kitchen dance contests and silly outfits. and the taking vitamins and dreaming of babies and feeling awful about smoking. all of this is somehow preparation for the future for the lonely years to remember back to and make that old weathered face and heart crack some sort of smile.

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