2003-07-06 || 7:44 p.m.

|| the butt pun is strong this evening. ||

we gotta talk.

quitting smoking is very. very. hard.

it's only been two days. and i have been in situations when i haven't been able to smoke for long-ish periods of time. but i think the complete lack of luscious nicotine + toxins + well, smoke and the absolute tragic finality of it has done me in.

i am a nutcase.

yesterday evening i cried a whole lot. i wandered from room to room and went to bed early. i couldn't sleep. shortly after midnight i was convinced the withdrawals were giving me superhuman hearing and i could hear every phone call, every feral cat, every crack-induced ghetto fight going on within a two block radius. i had funny dreams. i vaguely remember waking up to yell about the unconscionable (is that right?) state of things with brian, who is going through the same terrible fate.

this morning there were still the crying jags, the emo-ness, heart palpatations, the thinking in circles about Issues In My Life, namely the boy in new york. cried a little. had coffee on the porch with brian for the First Time Ever Without Accompanying Cigarettes. drove to san francisco. cried some more. walked into kelly's flat to cry to her and roommate tania and mike re: man's inhumanity to man and why cigarettes are so fucking great. went downtown with kell to meet s + k. shopped around in withdrawaly haze. cried to whoever was listening about boy in new york.

there is a pattern.

so i have locked myself up at home so as not to inflict this on anyone else. except you, of course. and i do realize i am such a baby and oh what a loser and holy fuck, man.

i want to go to junior high schools and give assemblies on why you shouldn't smoke. i want a slide show of me in all my loserly whiney assface glory so that kids say 'holy shit' and think at least three times before stealing those camel lights.

it's effing pathetic.

previous || next || random

guestbook || notes || archives || profile || photos || d-land

Site Meter