2003-07-31 || 12:17 a.m.

|| today i was told i was first runner-up for position of godmother. ||

i want to take care of people. i want there to be a small network of people around at all times whom i can pull to my chest to ruffle their hair and get them soda water if they need it. i want to be an emergency contact for strangers who need to get to hospital but are unable to find a proper ride or direct route. i want to hem pants and darn socks and fix dresses so that they lay right. i want to wait at bus stops until it's time to count out the fare and say a proper heartfelt goodbye. i want to write love letters on scrap paper and drop them in paper bags filled with sandwiches with the crusts cut off and oranges and two chocolate cookies. i want to give haircuts. i want to give rides to and from the airport for the express reason of those special hugs that happen only before and after large trips. i want to warm up soup that is not hot enough. i want to be able to keep secrets and wink in reference to them over the dinner table. i want to cry about sickness and dance around over good grades and oral hygiene. i want nicknames. i want anecdotes that will be met with a lot of eye-rolling. i want to record growing height and lost baby teeth and crossing large intersections for the first time. i want to be seated in an audience unseen because of all the lights on the stage but know my presence is felt and essential. i want love. a whole lot. in ways i haven't felt yet.

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