2003-09-15 || 8:21 a.m.

|| side shows of berkeley. ||

someone was doing donuts in the intersection next to our house at 3:30 this morning, spinning and spinning in dark until a crazy crash sound brought silence. i imagined the car on its side, wheels/shiny polished hubcaps still spinning, and the idiot having to climb out of the driver's seat, it never occurring to him to maybe turn down the radio (i love 50 cent as much as the next lady, but it's 3:30 and your car has been up-ended.) i kind of wanted to get up to look at the CARnage (get it?), but felt half-dream perceptions of things were usually way off and did not warrant mad dash into night in skivvies. there was no evidence this morning. i checked. i wanted there to be some kind of scorch mark, broken windows, one of them hubcaps still spinning in the gutter.

i wake up every night/early early morning now. i run to the bathroom to pee or get up to look out the window with meow to see what she sees (even though i can't see two feet without me glasses) or feel very confused and jerk around to get a look at what time it is to do fast calculating of how much more sleep time i get. or i worry. there is something about the dark when everyone is asleep that makes worrying so much more of a high impact sport. i like to worry about my future and my absolute lack of decision-making. my parents and tearing aortas. the dotted lines running from my location to new york, oregon, and southern california. i like to worry about the dark, whether this will be the moment the other side decides to bestow upon me the honor of revealing itself so that i may confirm without a doubt its presence. i just hope i've gone pee first.

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