2003-12-26 || 12:58 a.m.

|| oh christmas. ||

christmas night at sam's house with the waves crashing down the street and otherworldly wind knocking palm trees down in the front yard. champagne and rolling stones movies. sam in a striped sweater leaning against anonymous white convertible yelling simultaneously that he is so drunk and i better not get pregnant. the dog pulling a turkey carcass from the stove top and sam picking it up off the floor to return it to its pre-fall location so that his brothers and mum can eat it tomorrow, none the wiser. being down here makes me feel disconnected enough from reality that i forget that sitting around for hours at a time reading sylvia brown and watching cable isn't an every day experience, that cookies and chocolate do not a square meal make, that the sounds coming from the computer room of mummy playing computer casino four hours running does not indicate some kind of disturbing addiction. tomorrow the hand family takes an old people bus to the indian gaming casino. as a family. brian, you are very jealous. we will be shuttled in grand style to the middle of nowhere, san diego county, to eat at a buffet and wander around for HOURS in the hazy mist of aqua net and kools ultra lights. kelly and i pray for bingo.

other parts worth mentioning:

sunday night at a bar with michael jason and cass madly trying to catch up to find everyone has gone scheming wild aspirations on me. coming back to my house to get rather effed up, cass sticking his head under my bed to rekindle his relationship with meow meow, jason talking shit about any music playing from the stereo, michael thankfully being within arm's reach for a good few hours. trying to pack under influences and unceremoniously passing out.

quality time with michael in the form of driving down the 5. stopping at gas stations and denny's to argue in parking lots and hug fiercely. singing and eating bad candy and catching up catching up noting every change (haircut pants new obsessions ((the blandkins diet, oh.)) ) and refuting all comments about my changing too ('that's the old jenniferherbinson. this jacket is very new jenniferherbinson.'). my mum fawning all over him, handing him a present of remote controlled car. driving to san diego to see his family. constantly wishing there was just more time.

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