2005-12-23 || 12:20 a.m.

|| kind of catholic. ||

tonight i tried my ritual that i haven't tried in a while. i was standing outside next to a rose bush thinking of joe intensely and said "dear joe, if you are here please shake the roses." and the rose bush shook a little but it was windy and really, if you were our joe, king of the other side: goofy reluctant hipster sector, would you be wasting your time in a portland backyard shaking rose bushes for your sad-sack moony friend? i know what the answer is too, but i'm just saying.

i want to go to christmas mass this year. i keep telling everyone involved it is purely for the unadulterated singing (you are allowed to sing loudly in church. if someone gives you a mean look they have to go to hell.), but there is something terribly comforting about it to me. the ritual of it. knowing all the words and when to kneel and when to do the funny cross thing with your thumb to your forehead lips and chest. joe is all wrapped up in that somewhere as well, whether he likes it or not, because the last serious catholic ceremony i attended (communion two days in a row. surely a h_rbinson record.) was in his otherworldly honor. and some of the church songs we used to sing in the car together have come to feel like songs played at the prom we never went to, and i like to reminisce and cry openly with the old ladies. on eagle's wings? if bones thugs and harmony sang it i would wear a corsage and drink spiked punch in the aisle, i would.

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