2007-01-17 || 11:16 p.m.

|| i miss j.f. ||

what do you think of what you've become here? a few minutes ago i was sitting in a bar and you popped into my head and i asked you to give me a high five. i sat very still to see if i would feel anything. i didn't, but i cried any way and michael was very patient with my wiping tears away with a bar napkin.

i'm having a bad day. i hate my job and have become preoccupied with the correlation between stress levels and heart rate. i washed dishes and cried and dropped the sponge every so often to push my hand to my chest and count what i thought was an unhealthy heart rate.

my mother has a bad heart. when i count i think of her and imagine us sitting on the couch side by side, living. she writes me emails daily now. they are all three sentences long. they all lowercase and rambly and she ends each with "mom." you would see the beauty in this.

if things didn't turn out the way they did i wonder if you would come up to visit and sit in the bar with us. i would fill out my crossword puzzle in my very best handwriting and michael would make up an elaborate story about paula abdul's odd behavior of late (one of your favorite topics, i am certain) and you would laugh that way you do that makes me love you so terribly much.

next to the crossword tonight was an ad for a psychic. i considered consulting him to have your high fives come in more clearly. is it just that i'm not feeling them or are they truly not there?

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