|
2000-12-23 || ten.fifty-two p.m. || san diego || last night i was in anthony's room, hiding from all the kids in the living room i didn't know (my shyness comes flooding back when i am in southern california. i lose my footing.), telling him how much i hated him because he is such an amazing artist. his room was cluttered with it. glass dishes spotted with dried paint and paper clippings and dozens of pictures he's drawn for christmas cards. he gave me his notebook while he was on the phone and i could have spent hours looking at it. decoding all the secrets behind each page: how he got the idea to write backwards, how he figured out how to draw naked women in such a tender way, how he made that receipt into such an elegant canvas. it felt like i was turning the pages inside him, opening his rib cage and delving deep inside, figuring out the secrets hiding in there. beauty and insight and such a clear perspective hangin around in there. brought out with a bit of paint. oh i just hate him for it. it made me want to drop everything and try it. to have it work this time. to formulate my ideas and let them translate into something beautiful. for the mistakes to be beautiful. for the way i hold my pen to be beautiful. i would like to capture something like that and have it flying around in my ribcage. it was so hot in san diego this morning. after eight billion hours of mario tennis, which i am not all that keen at, i sat on the stairs outside of kelly and tito's apartment and read this from the very best part of paddy clarke ha ha ha: there were no more countries left to be discovered; they all had colours in them. and i love that. i sat in the same spot exactly a year ago, in that patch of hot cement surrounded by palm trees and telephone poles, marvelling at how hot it was. i like san diego in some ways. the signs that announce each area: the boulevard, hillcrest, university heights. the skyline that is so very flat and muted and at night looks like it was cut out of construction paper. the comfort of water nearby. 7-11s in walking distance wherever you are. the cracks in the sidewalk. driving with kelly while airplanes fly dangerously low above us. michael's family. and all the cool kids have so many crazy piercings, oy. we sat in pokez (i'm not quite sure if that is how you spell it. you say it pokey's.) and kelly and tito knew almost all the kids there. and i felt very shy and funny. like i didn't quite fit in that little world. because i am not vegan and i don't have crazy piercings and i didn't feel all that particularly cute. i felt awkward and clumsy and big and it's december 23 and it was too hot to hide in my favorite coat. but i got to wear my big big sunglasses. guestbook || notes || archives || profile || photos || d-land |