2001-04-12 || 2:01 p.m.

|| lunch break trauma. we dance now. ||

i like this: going out to lunch alone, not having to talk, not having to be responsive. being absolutely absorbed in the rhythm of things. step and step and step. breathe and breathe and breathe. red light yellow light green light. getting to think about all the things i haven't had the time to think about.

last night in the car i asked what was the most exciting best place you have ever lived. his answer: germany. or paris. he described them beautifully- the walking home at night past these breathtaking places that are supposed to make up background, but not allowing them to. everything new and unfamiliar and feeling so much excitement from it. being surrounded by all that unfamiliar beauty.

i have never been to europe. i have been to vancouver. i have been to boise. i like that these places, these every day places, make up my europe so far. they were breathtaking to me. the sidewalk felt different and magical there. there were all kinds of things to point out and stop to look at. there were all kinds of things to collect.

i am afraid that if i go to europe i won't be able to stop crying and clutching at my chest and carrying on in that way my friends have come to roll their eyes over.

i am afraid that i will easily get stuck and not make it to europe. not make it to europe as this wide-eyed single girl with no real responsibility to worry about. no kids in tow or itineraries. and what is most frustrating is that i see a need to go there, a lusty desire to travel, but i have stumbled upon this part of my self that is very lazy. or very scared. and she is not proactive about doing what she wants. she dreams and vents and whines over it, but she always falls short of acting on it.

like with school.

like with writing.

like with making books.

and writing letters.

and julie's birthday present, sitting on my bedroom floor right now half-finsihed and surrounded by tubes and tubes of paint.

and all the good intentions i have that will never make it to actuality.

but.

this:

the most exciting/best place i have ever lived: 3358 24th street, san francisco. so exciting. so magical. living in the mission, valencia street as my front porch, taking buses that zig zag through the city in jagged lines. standing at bus stops in the middle of the night with rain-soaked hair and feeling very drunk and just wanting to get home. riding the scooter on sunday mornings (with no coat on!) to katz bagels and getting home before the boys have gotten up. all the noise the city makes and the boys make and i make just to prove that i am there too. the trees in front of the library across the street. being able to picture myself in a glamorous movie at all times. and at the time it was so absolutely miserable. i have never been so depressed. but every feeling was so heightened, everything was so colorful. i somehow never allowed things to get too familiar, to become background.

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