2001-05-10 || 11:19 a.m.

|| before. and after. ||

i want to be mean. i want you to hate me for it but love me for it at the same time so that it hurts when you breathe in and out. i want the effect of too many cigarettes. i want to answer all the questions in capital letters, answer them before you ask them. i want to drag you by the wrist to the destinations i see in my head. i want i want i want. i want to dig around in your ribcage to find something to entertain me adn then get bored looking. no more demurely licking my paws in a corner. no more batting my eyelashes. i want to drag you under bushes, get you dirty, bring you home and forget why there are clumps of blood and dirt on your scalp. i want holes in the elbows of my button down shirts. untied shoelaces. streaks of dirt and the smell of sweat and burrs in my hair.

this pink-cheeked old lady dresses business isn't working. this shiny hair and orthodontia isn't getting me anywhere.

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