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2001-11-17 || 8:41 p.m. || wedding march tromping over head || somehow today has been full of imaginary babies and imaginary weddings and clocks have gotten much louder and i am doing all kinds of math in my head. i went to tilden park with melissa to sit on grass and eat sandwiches and hear the story of her brother's marriage. marriage = entrapment and not being honest with self and having fate sealed up and shoved down the throat to be lodged, coughed over, uncomfortably ignored. meanwhile there were couples and babies and kids all around, hugging and shading faces from the sun and teaching each other how to throw frisbees. and we are cooing and observing these people like they are exotic animals. 'look! they are all hugging! and the mom and dad are kissing!' and we watch. 'they're still kissing! oh they're still in love!' and the other couple, the younger couple with the baby. 'they're kissing too! i think i would like that.' the girl from another family walks over to us periodically to inform us she can cook dinner. 'i can make spaghetti and syrup and pancakes.' we walk to the car and talk about how our sentiments have changed. it is no longer easy to dismiss the exotic animals because they are not exotic anymore. if something like that happened to us it wouldn't be so strange (let's pretend.). and we talk about having babies. i have always wanted babies. and then tonight. the phone rings and i am hanging a poster in the kitchen, standing on a chair. s calls to say he has gotten engaged. and i know these two. i have known her since she was in junior high. she wore striped tube socks and was really into led zeppelin. she and my sister went surfing every day in summer. they wore matching bikinis. she is younger than i am. she will always be younger than i am. and he is so goofy. his turtleneck phase and the high watery pants and driving the scooter with the broken muffler. he is younger than i am. i introduced them in a way. i have witnessed the entirety of their relationship. i am on the phone and i say all the wrong things: 'what is going ON?' and 'you can't do this' and 'this is crazy talk.' 'but you can't get married before i do' and 'you better do a lot of thinking. the half-hearted 'congratulations' comes later, as an afterthought, because i can hear her in the car beside him getting angry at my reaction. maybe it's just that this is all getting too close, the sudden trend toward marriage and babies. the fact that i can pinpoint the exact spot in the relationship they are in at this minute in my own relationships and see that mine didn't turn out that way. maybe i am jealous? i am cautious. counting things out on my fingers. how many years of healthy childbearing and financial situations and the names of boys i know. it's like being eight and thinking about getting married, white slip around my head so that it's veil-like, except now i am twenty-five and it has all taken a very scary turn. guestbook || notes || archives || profile || photos || d-land |