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2001-12-05 || 4:06 p.m. || oh december, it's not your fault. || december is cold and wet. soggy coats and nights spent alone in the apartment. waffles for dinner. trying to get the heater to work then resigning to the scarf and knit hat indoor fashion show. hot baths that turn cold quickly. listening above the reassuring clatter of leaky faucets for secret messages on evening radio shows and staticky phone conversations. morse code s....o....s....oh. i am making resolutions and breaking them. succumbing to the lonely sitonedgeofbedandstareatwallsforwantofsomethingbettertodo zombie stance. composing to do lists while walking across san pablo to chinese take out heaven: 1.catch up on letter writing/package assembling (dear megan fadeneon, you are not forgotten!) 2.buy supplies for crafty christmas present assembly line of one 3.go to club mallard all by meself to read a book and drink hot old man whiskey drinks upstairs in the haunted corner 4.will a good ending to the novel to visit me in my sleep/on the bus ride home 5.go food shopping because miso soup/waffle supply is getting low 6.spend the hours making up prime time television on something somewhat constructive, even if it's talking to the cat 7.stop feeling sorry and wistful for having painted myself into a corner romantically 7a.stop checking voicemail for messages when i know the phone has not rung 7b.stop entertaining evil thoughts of selfpimpage 7c.stop being haunted by what the psychologist on allymcbeal said about naming the first thing that comes to your head when the phone rings because it's dumb, really, and it is not wise to base life decisions on what psychologists on ally mcbeal, a show which you do honestly despise, honestly, and which you don't really want everyone knowing you watch, not regularly of course, but often enough to follow all of the story lines, say about love and all that. 8.stop jumping to conclusions. 9.stop the need for some kind of quick fix because that only invites destructive behavior (i.e. going to bed at 9:30. check. taking vicodin so that it is possible to go to bed at 9:30. check. leaving too many unanswered messages. check. complaining to poor innocent bystanding exboyfriends in faraway places who unflaggingly, martyr-like really, pledge undying love and support and get quieter and quieter with each of my complaints until they are reduced to 'hmmph's and 'that's too bad's, their absolutely perfect offers of living on sea coasts and having babies perpetually dressed in corduroy falling to the wayside. check. driving in rain to unworthy boys' apartments, ringing their buzzers, not getting a response, driving back home, standing at front door and wishing one could rewind the tape of the hilarious movie one has found one in. check.). it's not so bad. i am just being melodramatic. i am resisting the inevitable. i am not seeing the sunny side of things. it is december 5 and i have 26 days to go. yay. guestbook || notes || archives || profile || photos || d-land |