2002-01-09 || 9:30 p.m.

|| i am goin to walk to teh theater now. i am going to stand outside and smoke a cigarette. ||

i am being thrown for a loop. like on a roller coaster. and i am afraid my shoelaces are caught in the gearshifts and at some point i am going to be yanked out of my seat and suspended upside down with the incredible urge to throw up.

i am interested to find the root of this situation. item one: it is the beginning of january and in that clean slate calendar way i am expecting to start over start something. item two: it is phase three-hundred forty-two of operation stop sleeping with the ex-boyfriend and i am trying to redirect thoughts redirect routes home redirect questionable behavior. item three: all this talk lately of malaise and stagnation and hm. wanting to move and finding willing cohorts. portland boise san diego san francisco. to be waitresses or to write in a converted garage or to be able to take ballroom dancing classes with me da. item four: the apartment has been feckin lonely lately. my suitcase is still open in the middle of the hall, full of clothes and cat hair. i haven't put my laundry away. there are christmas present boxes making complacent indentations in the carpet. meow has learned a new trick of barricading the front door whenever i try to leave.

(pausing for track 8. it's folklore by unrest. i am trying to listen carefully for all the words.)

item five: i am being haunted by new year's resolutions. they are new enough and energetic enough to groan and haul around chains and hide forks and spoons. they are fucking with me. they are reminding me of the date in ghosty voices, my age, what i need to get done this year. because i am not gettin any older, you know. i am not gettin any happier.

previous || next || random

guestbook || notes || archives || profile || photos || d-land