2002-01-17 || 10:20 a.m.

|| influenza.. ||

day six. and there are still fevers. the nine to ten-thirty daily ritual of breaking the fevers: wake up. take ibuprofin, dayquil, water, juice. watch ricki. watch the people's court. somewehere around the first case (judge milian is very sassy. she's growing on me. when she gets very angry her latina side jumps in and it sounds like neenay when she gets mad.) it gets very very hot and i realize i have worn this orange tshirt for three days now. sweat muchly. open window to feel lovely cold and admire the beautiful beautiful crispy day. note how this shirt is too small, how it clings to the armpits, ew. (today the ritual is not so bad. very cute indie kids on ricki. meow is being very nice. the head doesn't hurt so bad. but yesterday the ritual was a terror.. one hundred two point eight that made the head pound and i was sure stuff was boiling in there. sobbing a lot, either out of hysteria or because it hurts very much and jesuschrist why hasn't this ended yet? i've been in this room for five days straight. calling mummy who's not home.)

it's funny to lose track of time lose track of how normal feels lose track of everything. right now i should be at work. right now i should be smoking in my secret spot across the street from the office (oh, and i haven't smoked in six days! marvy! by golly i'll kick the habit yet!). i don't know where my car is parked. i don't know what the day is. i can't remember what i should be doing at work. i'm not eating. i haven't washed my hair in five days.

at around four or five i usually feel better. i can stand up and walk around and sew things. i coast around and lie around and loaf and sit and take my cough syrup with codiene and think okay jenny, this is it, tomorrow you feel absolutely marvy and you can get dressed and go outside and ride a bus! and i go to sleep to wake up at three, at four, cough cough, at six, coughety cough, at seven, and i take my temperature and that number comes up. and i dial the work ladies and leave yet another message.. ho ho, still sick. maybe tomorrow, cough cough.

oh. it is getting old.

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