2002-05-18 || 12:02 p.m.

|| the dumptruck that ran over my heart ||

at 6:47 p.m., while traversing the footpath of the albany exit freeway overpass, i was. unceremoniously. dumped.

again.

(by the same boy.)

and you would think. i would have caught it the first time around. that the phrase 'let's go for a walk' is inherently evil. that 'wow you look so pretty' and kisses on the top of the head while looking on a spectacular view of san francisco from across the bay is a five alarm indication. that.

i would like a computer printout of his brain, please. i would like to see what is taking place. that at 11:32 a.m. he says 'i love you, jenny.' at 5:35 p.m. he is kisses and arm in arm in arm walking along sidewalk. at 6:22 p.m. he is holding my hand and we are laughing and i am in love and at 6:47.

the signal changed to walk and the cars getting on the freeway are notorious for not slowing down. i walked very fast gaining steps on him, hoping for a very large mac truck.

for me, not for him.

(robots cannot sustain such satisfying injuries.)

but. no. he's not a robot. he's a very nice boy. and i love him. and at 12:43 a.m., after the infamous 6:47 p.m., i sitting fully clothed in my bathtub, he lying in his bed 7.4 miles away, he said he loves me too.

but, this: (6:54 p.m.: crying and walking, c trying to rub my back, rub my shoulder in a consolatory way. i wriggling it off, stopping every few steps to put my hands on my head and stop and try to think. we reach the crest of the hill and there's owen, seated on the front stoop of my building, surrounded by three suitcases, two amps, three keyboards, keyboard stand, milk crate of batteries and cords. he's been waiting a long time. he looks it. we get to him and. i am smiling through tears, trying to get rid of that tremble. c asks me to walk him to his car but i say i will talk to him later. owen pats the spot beside him on the step and i sit and i collapse and i am crying. and it must be the most emo sight ever, girl collapses among sweet cardigan boy and sweet sensitive casio band accessories, and c has to drive by this. has to look to catch that second as the last second. of the car wreck that is our. .

(very satisfying, in an evil way.)

and i haven't been able to fall down and cry about it yet. o and i lugged all the stuff up the stairs. smoked cigarettes. argued over whether to get taco bell for dinner. went to a party. drank gin gimlets by the truck full. played bust a move and sang happy birthday and made sexy comments about the pigs in a blanket. drove home. and then the bathroom episode while o smoked on my bed. kneesocks and lunch lady uniform (the lunch ladies were supposed to perform at the party tonight. i forgot to tell you. i am in a band.) folded up in the bathtub whispering into the phone. comforting silences i guess.

we didn't even really talk about the break up. there was 'i miss you, jenny' and 'i'll come over if you want' but it was mostly about his dad. how he's driving to san diego for a memorial service. how he had just found out about it that morning, how he just heard about it that morning and simultaneously decided to break up with me (again.) on the same day.

i am in a thousand different places right now. i am thinking of nice things he's said and not nice things he's said and i'm feeling like i'm damaged and i'm feeling like i'm better than him and better off and i am so sad about summer and feeling so free about summer and i think this is a good thing but my heart is broken in three places.

and i don't get to have insanely good sexo anymore.

because we aren't going to fall back into the bad habits. i am going to try my darndest to not be nice accomodating 'it's okay you broke my heart let's fuck' jenny.

this is final. em. this time.

for real.

and. i think i will cry but i cannot cry because o and i are going to the uc cafe and can i tell you how glad i am that o is here? that it is the perfect elixir? keyboards and pancakes and cigarettes and mini road trips?

we're going to take one thousand photobooth strips today.

it is going to be fabulous.

and bloodshot.

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