2002-09-25 || 11:00 p.m.

|| oh woe is me. boo hoo hoo. i am so lonely and look out so dramatically at the moon slipping into shadow. ||

you wander around and wander around and think of leaving notes on windshields, in trees, on sidewalk written in fancy black lettering. you spy out your window with a set of binoculars given to you, you're pretty sure, as a joke. you don't understand the mechanics of these things, the physics of these things, and worry about how it all works while leaning against your car at the gas station.

you wonder where all your crushes went.

you worry that it will never be that easy again: liking the looks of a boy and talking to him, your decision to like him based solely on the cut of his button-down shirt, finding yourself dangling in a precarious whirlwind of perfect dates and bottles of wine and pretending to fall asleep in his bed before he goes in to kiss you. sitting on a sunny patch of sidewalk after the most absolute perfect morning-after breakfast ever. walking up hills to his house knowing he is waiting in the doorway, thinking of the vowels nad consonants that spell out your name. head resting in lap. notes scrawled in soap on a fogged-up mirror. forgetting the bad parts so easily, letting them slip through your fingers like bits of violently shredded paper.

you are afraid that kind of thing doesn't just happen.

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