2002-11-11 || 10:03 p.m.

|| season passes and the month of november ||

kelly is here here here and while we were walking arm in arm out of long life vegi house i said it felt like disneyland. like when you first walk into the park and want to run so that you can get to all of the rides and see everything that you want to see, but it turns out you have a season pass so there really is no rush. because if you can't go on the haunted mansion eleven times in a row it's okay; you can just come back tomorrow.

so we have season passes now.

and it's very strange. i have no idea what to expect. we haven't lived in the same area for six years.

and now we're grown-ups.

and i woke up thinking 'kelly's here. right across the bay. and for a while it's going to be like this. kelly's here.'

we went out to dinner. she stuck chopsticks up her nostrils. she pitched the surfing zombie movie idea to jeff the Film Student. she taunted tito with misgivings of the vegi spareribs.

she let me put my head on her shoulder to read the menu.

so this is very good. everything feels funny and different. and i am trying very hard to remember that we have season passes and i don't have to rush over the bay to listen to her Love record in her room right this instant because she and the Love record will be there tomorrow. and the next day. and the next day.

other parts:

1) i hate ikea. i have gotten over my conscientious objector feelings of all that is mass-produced and em yuppie-ish, mostly because i cannot properly fit a lovely enchanted thrifted dresser in my wee car to bring home and i am so very tired of living with boxes of clothes/the lava floe that is my wardrobe. so i broke down and went. why i hate ikea: it is an absolute claustrophobe's nightmare. i thought going in the middle of the day on a weekday would buy me some personal space, but nay. and i was alone, so there was no one to reassure me/hold my hand/navigate to the nearest exit where one can breathe and count away the oncoming anxiety attack. it is this awful overpopulated obnoxiously decorated sadistic maze. at one point i had to stand at one of the employee stations and say 'can you please just point to the spot that takes me out of here? i am having difficulty breathing.' h a t e i t h a t e i t hate it.

but i bought a dresser. and although it doesn't quite match my room's piratey ships ocean landscape driftwoody theme, i feel so much better with all the clothes folded into places where i don't have to look at them and step on them anymore.

2) i had a lovely emotional breakdown on the telephone today, and i haven't cried like that in some time. the blue of my eyes were a lovely shade of purple. there was heart shrapnel all over. i hid under my covers and sighed a lot. i came to a few conclusions and understandings and em frustrating dead ends. dear month of november, i am trying not to let all this taint you. i really like the month of november. i would hate for you to get all bruisey from my very stupid very tardy very exacerbated hystrionics. i am trying to chin up, i am. i am your good dutiful soldier. i will carry out the rest of the month with a smile and polished shoes. thank you for being patient with me.

love, jenny.

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