2003-01-12 || 12:54 p.m.

|| i'm just sitting here but it's okay because there's a meaning for everything. right? ||

i woke up this morning at 8:44 and 9:44 and 10:44, taking it as a validation of my burgeoning psychic abilities, and then worried that in fact i had simply woken up at 10:44 and dreamed the other two cosmic wake-ups. or worried that waking up three times at exact hourly intervals doesn't mean much when you get right down to it.

and i had nightmares. i dreamed i couldn't get to school in time for my classes. i was in a foreign country with my parents and a distant ex-boyfriend and no one was willing to give me a ride. and i wasn't sure if i should really even go through with the school because was it worth it? isn't it easier to stay at home on the other side of town with the indifferent parents and ex-boyfriend, rather than struggling through a foreign language and criticizing teacher?

errr.

and i do want to stay at home and hide out. i don't want to deal with foreign languages and judgement. i have writing to do but instead watch four hours of biographies of audrey hepburn and grace kelly and shirley maclaine and another lady i can't even remember now. i want to sit at home and moon over reoccurring heartbreak (why did it come back all of a sudden?) and change my entire belief system to suit me: you are miserable and inactive and unlucky out of love because this is incubation; this is the part where you can spend time on the writing and getting your ducks in a line. john edward says this is how it works and the 8:44 9:44 10:44 proves it's true so calm down and accept it, man.

but instead you stay home and get all choked-up and watch too many biographies to get them straight (ps i love shirley maclaine too much for it to be right.) and don't turn on the computer to welcome the cosmic abilities of the Blank Page.

i am so full of the 'i can't's and 'what's the uses' and.

i need some serious signs from my spirit guides. tell me what to do. help me write something real good so that i don't feel like such a time-wasting loser.

i have nothing to show for anything, and it's really starting to bum me out.

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