2004-10-20 || 10:54 p.m.

|| at night. ||

1. carmine ragusa is flying around in his little fish orbit, circle after circle after glass circle. all of his parts are ridiculous: the anal fin and caudal fin dragging along and pectoral fins shimmying like ribbons. he rests at the bottom sometimes where brian has placed his synthetic ruby and do fish get tired? does carmine sometimes think all that orbitting is good for nothing?

2. owen called me at work today from his work using an international paper drafted customer calling script. every word was written in front of him, and i was surprised by how different his voice sounds when there is no owen in it. i laughed after he ended with the suggested closing and hung up and then felt very sad that i just heard from a best friend who was about to call someone else, someone who has no idea what he likes on his pizza (crazy about the pesto, mad about the marinara for dipping, delighted by hot cock sauce) and say the very same thing.

3. it is a delicate thing, being 28. today i wore kneesocks and the shoes i wore at age 16 and my hair in ponytails. should i consider changing such behavior? when does one begin worrying about dressing one's age? when one stops buying the majority of her clothes at a secret thrift store location in vallejo? i will not worry until then.

4. my new favorite theoretical activity is driving to odd locales to draw in my drawing techniques class approved sketchbook. draw draw draw. buildings and shipyards and the hollows of old men's cheeks. i haven't actually done it yet, but when i do my heart will surely burst all over the paper.

5. i miss the white toyota pick up truck that used to shuttle me to odd locales that provided great drawing fodder. i miss my trusty chauffeur and his expansive knowledge of enchanted places in petaluma. some day i hope to get to ride around again if just to stop at the 7-11 next to that nondescript park and hear the story about jason l shooting a bb gun at the church windows across the street from the victorian flat.

6. what does it mean to be able to recognize police cars just by the sound they make when driving over the speed bump in front of our house?

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