2005-04-25 || 1:44 p.m.

|| happy birthday, happy birthday ||

the baby animals calendar is hanging in the kitchen above meow meow's designated dining spot, and written in the box for april 25th is "joe's birthday." joe was there when i wrote it in, slightly tipsy and grateful for the solitude in brian's chill-out bedroom enclave on new year's eve. joe's not here now. it struck me as odd and sad last night when i looked at it: owen's birthday on the 22nd, trip to portland written in around the 28th, and joe's birthday on the 25th. i woke up this morning thinking about tonight and the birthday dinner and felt funny and sad and sick. joe's parents and brother and us. i haven't given it much thought on purpose because while i think it'll be good and even enjoyable, i think of joe's mom on the night of the vigil when we stood in her kitchen and i complimented her on her bold choice of color for the various rooms of her house, something i had mentioned to joe years ago when we had secret benicia fest complete with swordfish dinner that he barbequed in the side yard. joe's mother is smaller than i am and hugged herself and kept nodding and muttering "yes" well after i had stopped talking.
i talked to brian about logistics for tonight just now and walked out to call owen. i left a message and walked back to my office and somewhere in the hallway the panicky feeling crept in.
a year ago today we were at a bar and joe was dj-ing and we were taking pictures and sitting on a curb out front. we kissed him happy birthday and he did the joe patented dance and hands-in-fists booty shake and it really was a beautiful night.

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