2005-08-09 || 11:21 p.m.

|| but my plies and releves are fantastic! ||

tonight we went to michael's studio and i took advantage of the lack of people and fullness of skirt by practicing my sad pirouettes and pique turns (i am sorry, miss nina of the phyllis cyr ballet academy of huntington beach, california, for not knowing how to spell the french terms correctly. you should have written them out on the mirror in that red lipstick you used to wear so that i may refer to them properly twenty years later in this, my internet diary.) across the gallery floor. i used a forgotten installation as my target, and halfway across i got horribly dizzy and had to stop. why does getting older mean not being able to handle spinning, carnival rides, virtual reality air force propaganda missions, and shaky-camera techniques? it is truly heartbreaking and not something you can really work on, like doing cartwheels and backbends in the privacy of your large living room to ensure you've still got it. it is a physical reminder that you're losing your eight-year-old self, like when you hold up your leotard from a gymnastics meet in 1982 and can't for the life of you properly recall a time when you could fit into it.
dear lord, please help me, for i still have the yearning to be a Dancer. unfortunately this body was made expressly for birthing babies and surviving the exacting effects of being a castaway (i imagine i could live quite comfortably on a diet of grubs and coconut milk, drawing nourishment from the padding on these hips like camels' humps) (did i take that too far?), but do you see the way i am able to hold my neck so high? and the emotion in my eyes? have you seen my calves lately?
after a quick drink at my father's place (not having fully recovered from the aforementioned turns) (tequila + miss nina's drills = nothing favorable, really), in which i started a new letter to anna livia complete with twee-as-eff drawn pictures of boyfriend and cat (to satisfy the request for pictures... the digital camera has sadly taken over and i have no printed photgraphs to send) and drew up a plan for my next art project, which i would like to mention here but am rather protective of it at the moment, we walked down grand for a bit so that i could drop my letters in a mail box. i sent three off today. putting letters in the mail is one of the most delightful things i think, imagining what the recipients will feel when they see their names printed in my handwriting. note to self: need to invest in sealing wax. need to find out the plausibility of crafting my own stamp. is metal the only viable option? may i somehow engrave my own?

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