2007-07-29 || 5:27 p.m.

|| the suitor ||

s and r's dad died while we were sitting in the patio of a bar on alberta street. r got a call from their mother, followed by s getting a call from their mother, and neither of them would have answered except r's call was followed by a text message from his brother in law: call your mother. r left the table, muttering it might be bad but it could be nothing, and he stood by the horseshoe pits directly behind me. we sat while he stood back there, laughing and drinking, and i couldn't help feeling like the patio had clouded over directly behind me, like there could be this storm breaking but i didn't want to look over my shoulder to confirm it. he came back after awhile and sat, the others not breaking their conversation, and when i asked if everything was okay he muttered "my dad just died but don't say anything."

and he took a drink of his beer. he lit a cigarette. i was the only one at the table who knew and it felt like being the only one to notice our table had been struck by lightning. i watched him smoke, and his hand wasn't shaky when he ashed, and he didn't tear up, and everyone continued talking around us. i got the panic feeling at the base of my spine that spread up my back and around my arms, warm and electric. i was holding my breath. i couldn't look at anybody and i studied my hands and i took another drink and i was trying to wait out the feeling until he said something.

when he told the rest of the table, to his girlfriend and s's girlfriend, the reaction wasn't what i expected. s was at the bar getting another drink and still didn't know. r was contemplating how to tell him, whether he should tell him at the bar. he didn't want to ruin the night, he said, taking another drink, and i forgot how death can be embarrassing. we sit around and look at our hands and say all the things that are meant to be comforting. r nodded and waved away what we were saying, trying to regain order and deflect attention. he sat until we convinced him to tell his brother, and he got up to take s for a walk. they came back seven minutes later, neither upset, neither blotchy with crying or embarrassed or ready to go home. i apologized for getting up to give them both hugs; as i held onto r i realized the hug was purely for my benefit. he patted my arm and i choked back tears and i apologized when i sat back down and started to cry.

we stayed for three more rounds. m and i left to get mexican food and threaded the plastic bags through the patio of the bar. we ate. we didn't mention their dad. when it was time to go we went to s's apartment, helped hoist their tv onto a table, smoked pot, talked about the cat. we drove home and when they dropped us off i hugged r again, told his hair we'd be here if he needed anything, and this time he hugged me back just for a second, but maybe he was drunk.

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