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2000-11-15 || 21:15:16 || 'and from that puddle erupted a sea' || funny things are going on. really. i hate being on good terms with ex-boyfriends. especially when one of them is my very best friend, who is letting my cat live with him, who eats dinner with me almost every night, who writes beautiful things to me, who puts up pictures of me in his room, who gives me gifts of pens and notebooks and gocco prints and guitar amps, who knows the very most about me, who, in a minute's notice, could drum up all kinds of blackmail-worthy material. he would never do such a thing because i am a better wrestler than he is and have equally damaging material, but he has my cat. and i love my cat. but like i said, we are on incredibly good terms. especially when you consider we have been broken up for a month shy of a year and we're one of those couples that spends way too much time together for a normal couple, let alone a 'really, we are broken up. we're just good friends' kind of couple. i love love love him. and he loves loves loves me, it's just that our definitions have been a bit different. and the thing is he is starting to see another girl. i called my mother and she said in her fully-anticipated mum way 'well jenny, you've been having your cake and eating it too for some time now.' which is completely true. it is an incredible situation to break up with a boy, keep the friendship intact and strong, go out with another boy, have that falter (for all kinds of scandalous reasons on its own), and be able to still have the friendship.. along with knowing he is still in love with you. that you can call him at any time and he'll come over, that you can be mean to him, and give all kinds of mixed signals according to your mood, and treat him terribly, and he is still there. with the nicest words and adoring looks. with brownies from andronico's. with all the artwork i have made him in the past three years still on his walls. but now it has changed, all of the sudden, over night. and really, this is what i have wanted, what i have urged him to do. he is lying in my bath tub and i am cutting my hair in front of the mirror. 'really, you should find a girl who can appreciate you. because you are hot and smart and funny as hell and say the cutest things at the perfectest times and you need someone who will flip out over you.' because i haven't been flipping for some time and i'm such an idiot not to be flipping, but you shouldn't be wasting your time on me. pining away right here in my bath tub. and so my wish has come true.. and all ready i see my ghost haunting the very beginnings of his new venture into girlness, and i keep prodding him to go forward. she's hot and neat and i like her a lot. it's time he do this. but it just feels very weird. i am afraid i can't see him every day. and i can't see meow meow. and i can't go over to his house and dance to beat happening and draw fake tattoos on each other's backs. i can't know all of his secrets. i can't nag him about being in love with me. i won't have the opportunity to push him away. and i realize i am such a brat. but like i was telling my brother, there is this distinct dichotomy between my rational thought (being happy for him. knowing this is inevitable and the right thing for both of us and change of course will happen. this is what i want) versus my feelings (i really lost my michael). so i keep telling myself i'm okay i'm okay. this is what i want. he's still there. i deserve everything tenfold considering what i did to him. but i feel awful lonely. and there is a michael-shaped hole i keep having to step over. and i have a crazy desire to march down to the hotsy totsy to get myself into trouble just so i won't have to think about it. guestbook || notes || archives || profile || photos || d-land |