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2001-03-12 || 10:19 || is it because it's monday? || it is a combination of things that is making me feel this way. 1. i am a bit under the weather. i have sneezed on too many defenseless objects today, all of whom were so kind as to not yell at me for hurling snot at them at frightul velocities. 2. i didn't sleep well last night, which is very odd for me. in all other circumstances i am a brilliant sleeper, able to hit rem at an impressive rate. but i slept on and off from four pm yesterday and went a little crazy with the cough medicine. it made me jumpy. my legs twitched. i couldn't find the right position. as much as i wanted it to, the pillow beside me would not turn into 3. the boy i wish was sleeping beside me. and he's leaving me. and i am embarrassed to admit, realize the obnoxiousness/nausea-inducing factor of this statement: he is leaving for a week and i can't bear to think of it. i thought before that it would be kind of nice for him to leave. just so i can be completely miserable and emo. so i can stay home nights and write him love letters and draw him pictures and hope he calls from texas with all the rockandroll southbysouthwest clatter in the background. so that when i pick him up from the airport next week i will be so completely ecstatic i will either tackle him, taking out all kinds of innocent travelers and/or flight attendants, or ask him to marry me. just kidding ha ha oh um. i shouldn't throw around the wedding proposals the way i do. but now that it is monday and he is leaving tuesday and won't be back until the calendar ticks off to monday again, oy. i am a bit panicky. 4. one of my dearest bestest friends ever crashed his vespa scooter yesterday. and i wasn't there to sweep the dirt and rubble from his corduroy knees. and i wasn't there when he got home to an empty house, all shaky, his face a combination of grimaces and tears and dirt and motor oil. and i wasn't there when he called me because more than anything he wanted someone to hold him for a bit and soothe him and bring him back to calm waters. i imagine him in the red bathroom pouring peroxide on the gashes on the palms of his hands, making the sounds one makes when you are in terrible pain and have the comfort of knowing no one is home to hear you make the noises you have to make because it hurts so bad. i imagine him standing in front of the mirror watching the gashes bubble and foam from the peroxide, looking up to see the pained expression in the mirror, and wishing someone was there to catch that expression and hold him until it went away. oh i am so sorry. that when you went down on that street i was at my auntie's eating cake and drinking champagne. that when you did call and i was home i was so sleepy and funny from the cold medicine that i couldn't fully comprehend the situation and my proper role within it. i shirked my duties when you were hurting and you were too nice to tell me right out to come over and take care of you. guestbook || notes || archives || profile || photos || d-land |