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2001-04-17 || 12:03 p.m. || the rapture. || hem. i am trying to think of a good way to organize all the funny little things that happened last night. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ catalog: 1. east bay - west bay tour 2. my boys, part 1 3. my boys, part 2 4. blackhairmeanies 5. i am me and you are you, still. 6. the rapture is feckin brilliant. 7. boy sweat and the feeling i get when i leave my cat. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 1. owen and michael, just home from a mini-tour of the northwest, were in wonderful spirits in the car. i love this feeling: a funny effervescence in the air, friend-love trapped like heat in the car. laughing too hard at jokes, at the intonations of our voices. i was raging jealous that i was not in the van with them over the weekend. no travel games. no bad food. no smoking out car windows. i called for a west-bay tour, demanded that the bay bridge was really taking us to canada and we were terribly sleep deprived. with a trunk full of amps and keyboards. but happy. it worked. we played travel games, we smoked out car windows, i laughed too hard for a conscientious driver. 2. we stopped at farley's before the show because we were early. we sat at a table too small for us, all our knees touching poised for a seance. we read separate magazines. i filled up a coffee house book with pictures of what reminds me of my boys. owen: keyboards and haircuts and grape soda and long life vegi house and polaroids and mix tapes. michael: home-made books and plaid and corduroy and scooter helmets and rowboats and bagels and coffee. these are my boys. we giggled and socked each other in the arms, staged mock fights in the street, fought over who would get shotgun. 3. luke and joshy have beautiful beautiful california faces framed by new york haircuts. luke let us in and there were a couple seconds where i was trapped behind people, unable to touch him. tug tug tug went the heart. i hugged him very hard for a very long time. i had the urge to tell him he was too skinny, to ask him how he really was, if he was tired, if he was ready to go home. if he needed money. i couldn't think of good things to say. i wanted to keep holding on to him. he introduced me to matty the bassist as his mom. i found joshy and hugged him and held onto his face for a second and don't remember saying anything. how is your wife keiko. what in the world are you doing with yourself these days. do you like new york. remember the time you were drunk and strung up my tampons in the bathroom. 4. this time four years ago found its way into the club. my roommates were there, minus a couple. the mean kids who used to show up at the house parties. this time i was armed and ready and felt all right. my black hair is all gone, phew, any kind of allegiance has been severed. it is okay not to like that band they like. it is okay to recognize that that band, playing inside while we are out, is shite. that i don't have to be afraid of the asshole drummer because um. he's an asshole. my friends swarmed around a table outside. we were the ones wearing plaid. we were the ones wearing colors. we were the ones laughing and hugging and it felt very nice, this little gang. my bicycle gang. taking a break on the enemy playground. armed with indie-pop obnoxiousness and the maybe the slightest bubble gum scent of twee. 5. i caught my reflection in the mirror during gogogoairheart. i have a feeling i look almost exactly the same. but so do luke and josh and michael. just different hair. it is our actions that are different. luke is quieter. joshy is more reserved. i'm not sure where i fall in all of this. 6. i am such a proud mother. it is still so very exciting to me to see my friends perform. to hear their voices amplified. they become almost larger than life and ha ha i've seen them in their underwear. but the rapture, wow. i'm not saying this because i am a proud mother. 7. it was one o'clock and the show was over and we were cranky and our feet hurt and luke was lying on the bench in the back. we stood around him and blew kisses and held his hands and told him how proud we were of him. i hugged him and got salty kisses. boy sweat boy sweat. it was on my hands and my face and in a starstruck way i didn't want to wash it off. joshy was exhausted (joshy is drummer. joshy is phenomenal.) and gave us more hugs. we walked to the merchandise table with luke to get cds and buttons and all hugged again. then we walked to the bar and all hugged again. there is something about luke and hugs. there are magnets in his heart i think. i didn't want to leave him. all skinny and tired with messed up hair and a broken van and so many stories i have never heard. it hurt in that mom-type way, like when i have to leave my cat. guestbook || notes || archives || profile || photos || d-land |