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2001-06-22 || 9:39 a.m. || fuck. || dear jean-michel belmondo, i am very upset that you haven't called since you left. i don't know where you are and i keep dreaming you are hiding in mailboxes. i am worried you are blaming me for portland. for not knowing which streets go where and not knowing people who recognize you. i would like you to call and be terribly mad at me so that i can cry without feeling somewhat crazy. because the last two days i have felt very crazy. i have that unhinged feeling. where i'm sort of detached. i spent last night mostly alone in the apartment never working up the nerve to go outside. i had plans to buy cigarettes at the liquor store (i was only going to smoke one. i thought i deserved it. since you aren't here and all.) and walk to the bay (to comemmorate the longest day of the year and to kick off my post-smoking exercise regimen, cigarette in hand) and drive to thrift town to look for pants because my pants have been turning on me lately (except for you, levi's action jeans, who are holding me so gently as i write). but i never left. i talked to meow meow, who proceeded to rip my forearm down the middle. i sat on my bed a lot. i watched thursday night tv. i cried a lot. i wrote in my book. i thought about how weird it is that you are very far away and how today when i heard someone whistle in that michael blandy way i turned around even though i knew you aren't in california anymore. god and it absolutely broke my heart and i have to stop writing about this because the letters on my keyboard are getting all blurry. sorry. but i worry because i got the funny feelings i used to get when i was on the pill the first time. the severe depression completely off my rocker feelings. and i am torn as to whether to take the white pill at one o'clock or not because sometimes it's rather obvious that i have been completely batty this week but then i wonder if it's just because you're gone and damn it michael you are my best friend and i already miss you so incredibly much i can't stand it. guestbook || notes || archives || profile || photos || d-land |