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2001-07-30 || 11:54 a.m. || anatomy of the first part of my sunday. || sunday, 12:37 pm: hitting traffic on the freeway. slowing down, rolling down window, lighting cigarette against better judgement and trying not to feel nervous or cry. cry just a little; feel very nervous. wonder if he will think that i didn't bring those two cds on purpose as an excuse to see him again. but i really can't find them. 1:10 pm: we are sitting side by side on his couch, hugging. he tells my shoulder i am a fantastic person. i say thank you. he is burning a copy of the new bright eyes ep (he said it is very sad. but good. and i will like it.) and we aren't saying much, just sitting on the couch holding hands in a distracted way. it feels all right. it feels almost normal except that i can't kiss him and we both are slow to start talking. he moves to the computer and fiddles with it. i stand up and he puts his arms out. he rests his head against my belly and tells me the first two nights after the break up he wanted to sleep with something of mine but everything i have smells like thrift store. 1:32 pm: the cd is finished and i tell him i should go. it takes a very long time for me to actually leave. i walk towards his bedroom to collect my things but find he has placed them neatly in the hallway: duffel bag of clothes, blue baking dish holding two mugs, a spoon, two contact lens cases, the pink toothbrush, haircutting scissors. i suspect he still has my keys but want him to keep them so i don't say anything. i get choked up seeing my things arranged so neatly. i grab the duffel bag and he holds the baking dish. he doesn't hand it over. i want him to hand it over and close the door so that i can walk down the stairs and cry without him seeing it. i don't like seeing him holding my things like that: elbows bent, dish held tray-like, away from body. offering the objects like plastic hors deouvres. he opens the door and follows me to the car. 1:40 pm: i unlock the car doors and he places my things in the back seat. we hug for a long time in the street and i am beginning to lose my toughness. i have the kind of tears that are very watery and splash out of my eyes without my permission. he hugs me again. i open the door and get in. he walks to his apartment and i think i am alone. i am looking in the rearview mirror at me crying: eyes red, eyelashes spiky, red nose. i turn on the car and notice that he is standing at the door of his building, watching. i feel embarrassed and smile and wave and drive away. 1:44 pm: crying on freeway, listening to bright eyes. the songs are very sad and all about broken hearts and i decide to send him the break-up mixed tape i was threatening. i don't know where to go. i pull into the parking lot of trader joe's and listen to the end of the song and try to compose myself. i look at my things in backseat. in one of the mugs are the keys i was hoping he had kept. for his side of the story, click here guestbook || notes || archives || profile || photos || d-land |