2001-09-28 || 2:30 p.m.

|| siamese twin ||

(i really really miss being very young and living with a boy. sharing clothes and shampoo and food and money and shoes and assuring my mother repeatedly no, mummy, i sleep on the couch bed. acting as the girlfriend and bestfriend and kid sister and mum: advising him to go to the doctor about the lump under his arm (lying in the dark at night. flannel and pajamas and the winking red eye of the stereo's power button. 'but there are lymph nodes there. lymph nodes are important.' 'but i hate doctors and i don't want anybody lookin at my armpit.'). getting socked in the arm when it turns out to be the slightly annoyed slightly sneering diagnosis of an ingrown hair and hugging him hard anyway. brushing hair off forehead wiping crumbs off chin painting toenails art projects on ancient wood floors.)

(climbing the rickety ladder to the roof, careful to heave oneself over the rotten rung. dressed up as sheriffs and criminals. sitting on broken chairs watching the sun yo yo dip down past serrated teeth made of brick and wood frames and steeples and victorian filigree. no jobs and mad dog 20/20 and passing out to the sound of band practice and somebody sweeping the hallway.)

(the short stint of hearing him wake up before 5 to go to work at the bagel shop. clinging arms and a groan and the blankets growing cold from the lack of him. open and shut of closet door and him back in bed in parka and dress shoes until the brink of tardiness. it rained the entire time he had that job, i think. having to leave the scooter for the bus. running horribly late and me still in bed with scheming dreams of the panaderia across the street.)

this feels like a long time ago. i feel like a different person. i feel like i am too young to look back on this time so fondly.

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