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2001-10-21 || 10:43 a.m. || rolling credits || this is how this particular movie ends: she is driving home in last night's clothes and sex hair and bruises on the collarbone. she is singing the same song over and over, her voice is breaking at the tougher lyrics, the prickly ones, and she is feeling like a complete idiot, changing lanes and wiping away tears and sleep. there is studying of the low fuel light lit up next to the service engine soon light. calculations are made and she pictures sitting on the bumper of her car somewhere on the 80, hugging the peacoat and smoking cigarettes and keeping the hands from shaking too much while waiting for the tow truck to come. she stops at a gas station. she is pumping gas and averting eye contact. the man in the car next to her is watching, walks to the trash can, drops a wad of paper towels and asks if she's alright. because it is 12:19pm and she is wearing friday night clothes. black knee socks and black skirt and fancy coat. this is what i wear so that you find me irresistable type clothes. these are simple devices but i am willing to do anything short of resigning to secret girlfriend status type clothes. and she looks at this man and says, 'yeah. i just had a big night.' the charts were explained and pointed too. there was handholding and encouraging kisses on cheeks and stop-start 'but's and 'and's and 'whatabout's. there were silences and all sorts of possible outcomes projected on bedroom walls. 'so my presentation wasn't very successful.' 'no, it was great.' but. pats on heads and kisses to take the sting away. we walked to the 7-11 for squishies. we took them to the lake and watched ducks doing water ballet. we talked about music and sciencey things and us. we will play music. i will get over my singing stagefright with him. we will write songs about the eiffel tower. we will have late night hangouts and sunday excursions. (and secretly: you will miss me terribly. you will rue the night you so logically so level-headedly agreed with my ultimatums of no more sleepovers.) we played cards and drank from forgotten dusty bottles. we thought up good floorplans for his bedroom. we kissed in that feverish this is possibly the last time way and there was looking at each other in darkness and holding on a little too tight and falling asleep in that stop-start way, with me waking up suddenly remembering a selling point i forgot to present. the one that would change everything and set things back to where they were before. but he was sleeping. and his hand was on me. and it didn't feel quite right anymore. guestbook || notes || archives || profile || photos || d-land |